Guys are dehumanized in the dating scene – these are the reasons and consequences

I am 45 and I would like you to know what dating was like until no more than a few years ago, what changed, why, and why it hurts guys. In the late 1990s and during the first decade of the 2000s, online platforms for dating were more or less taboo. The platforms back then were only websites like Okcupid, and both guys and girls regarded having a profile there as them being what we might call today a “femcel” and “incel” – opening a profile was perceived as admitting that you are not attractive enough to find love in the real world, as if you have some kind of disability. People who had a profile kept it a secret and felt ashamed, and this goes for both sexes .

Tinder was only just invented and it was not at all a dating app, but something completely different. For years (probably since the dawn of time), both sexes were seeing someone whom they really want to have sex with and imagining, “what if that someone has right now the very same thought about me!” But most people could never find out, and this was the underlying human drive tinder was offering to gratify. “We’ll let two people in the same vicinity tell each other that they both had that thought”. The actual technology was never able to fulfill this promise – that a guy sees a girl, she sees him, they crave one another, they identify each other on the app, both swipe, and understand they had the same thought and hook up. But, this was precisely the fantasy and elation tinder was offering, explicitly – this is not an interpretation, this is what originally tinder was all about.

In practice, for a few years it became a hookup app. Then ten years ago, something would change, and cause tens of millions to be pushed into the app for completely different purposes and later to other similar apps. To understand what was it that aggressively chased an entire generation to look for relationships of all places in what was meant as “a sexual-intentions mind-reading app”, we need to go back to the 1990s to get some perspective.

In the 1990s and the first decade of the 2000s, guys and girls flirted all the time, as I’m guessing they have been for at least 100 years before that, ever since match-making became outdated and people were free to choose their love on their own. Websites were not the primary venue, but flirting. About ten years ago, this all changed. Feminism, gradually started to ban the language humans have been using for probably thousands of years to find love – the language of sexuality, of hints and signs, that we call flirting. This ban was employed by feminism by defining all the letters and tokens of the language of sexuality, as sexual harassment, through fiercely punishing for even the most innocent use of the language. First this innate language the sexes have for communicating among themselves sex and love, was banned at work, then in college, then in pubs (“taking the night back”), and finally in public places like a train ride or the street.

The prohibition was severe and forceful. One typical example representing tens of thousands of such incidents if not more, was a student who texted his ex-girlfriend “how are you doing” three months after the breakup, she filed a complaint to the college authorities saying the message made her feel uncomfortable and he was expelled for life, with all other colleges being informed. The punishment will apply even against the girl’s will, when she insists that she was not harassed in any way – there are numerous guys who were fired, or expelled from university, for starting or acknowledging a romantic discourse with a girl who happened to be regarded by the feminist regime “a subordinate of the guy”, especially male teaching assistants suffered this feminist violence when having relationships with a student who is their age, although the dictatorship will find creative ways for defining even people working in different departments as “having lateral subordination” to violently punish the guy. Hundreds of millions of guys watched the thousands who encountered this brutality and had no other choice but to conclude: never approach, never flirt. No girl wears a sign saying “I will end your life for so much as smiling at me”, men could not tell who would behave with brutality but they could see clearly the endorsement and encouragement for those who would, and had no other choice but to stop using the language of sexuality altogether – as feminists demanded of them, by fiercely punishing for the most innocent of gestures (which by feminism women were still free to use, the prohibition was never equally-applying to everyone as “a new set of universal norms” – only to men).

Prior to that prohibition, which started to expand exponentially throughout the second decade of the 2000s until it applied to every real-world environment, flirting, was not prohibited. On the contrary, it was the common way for men and women to find each other. Two decades ago when I was single, I once came up to a woman on the street and just told her, “I think you are the most beautiful woman in town, sorry if it bothers you, just had to let you know”, she just said thanks and went on her way, then from what I understood in the aftermath, she started looking for me by walking that street over and over, until she ran into me again and invited me over, and we had a thing for a month or so - flirting in public places was not forbidden, of course as long as it’s not done in a rude way or to offend, but authentically in a nice way.

Once it was expanded to all walks of life, the feminist violent prohibition of the human language of sexuality – that is, direct flirting – pushed an entire generation into apps looking for love. Millions of women who never wanted a hookup started expecting a relationship on tinder. At first it was bizarre, then they became the majority there, and tinder became “a dating app”. While it was never meant for that purpose and is awful at that, since the entire mechanism is not for a guy and a girl to get to know each other as they would at work or in college, but for instantaneous urges for quickies.

This had rewritten the attitude toward a date, and this is important to understand because it is what causes both sexes their current problems in dating and the dehumanization guys feel in dating. When I was 20-30, online was considered creepy and flirting was normal, now flirting was to be considered “creepy” and online is to be deemed “normal”, but, and this is the crux of the matter – none of the two sexes can actually replace direct communication with a screen. Men are very sensitive to the external appearance of women, but women are different and mostly rely on “picking up a vibe” from a guy. However, vibes, do not pass through pictures, and not even through text messages (unless you are a spectacular poet), but in countless unnoticeable gestures that can only be seen and felt in real life. This means that girls “can’t make up their minds whether they like that guy’s profile”, not because of a difficulty in deciding, but because of girls not being able to absorb the information women look for about men – the vibe. At the same time, guys feel muted, that they can’t transmit who they are and what they are about.

As a result, girls now treat dates completely differently than how it used to be for me, which hurts the guys. When I was dating, the fact that a girl wanted to meet with you meant that she liked you. From her perspective, not only from the guy’s, agreeing to go out on a date was a statement, it meant that she likes you, she had a reason for dating you. But now, since feminism pushed everything into apps and apps don’t allow girls to sense the primary thing they feel in men (the vibe), they are treating the date, as swiping. They are meeting only to sense the vibe, because feminism and apps don’t let them feel it. So now, them agreeing for a date doesn’t mean anymore that they at all want to be on this date and that they like you. This is extremely dehumanizing for the guys – their actual existence is treated as if they were pictures.

And guys, who are male and hence are sensitive to appearance and extract a tremendous amount of information from pictures, including about personality, and are on the date not “to see if it’s swipe left or right” but because they actually like the girl, are asking “why did you come if you didn’t feel that you like me – like I felt about you which made me want to meet you?” This really torments the guys, they feel that girls are having dates with them just for passing time. Girls on the other hand become angry that “the guys feel that if a girl is going out on a date with you then you are entitled for some affection”, and this hurts the guys more, because they are not aware that girls can’t sense a guy in apps and that they have resorted to “date swiping” (without the guys ever consenting to this – to prepare and choose a spot and make time and travel just to stand there to be swiped) – they still think, and justly so, that if she is dating you it means she likes you as we used to date up to 10 years ago, so for guys, it’s not “expecting something in return” but “why did you even bring me here if you don’t even like me?” The guys are right, a date is an intimate meeting, it’s not a replacement for swiping, girls were forced to try and treat dates as “random swiping” because feminism banned for them the only means they have as women to see who they like – real-world flirting where they can sense vibes.

And because of the feminist oppression of the entire discussion, nothing is ever talked about, no one becomes aware of any of the problems I listed, that all stem from banning flirting, which both sexes depend on. No one is allowed to explain, in a book or a column, to girls, that they sense vibes and not pictures and that this is what makes it so difficult for them to “know” in apps who they like, and nothing else.

Then another problem arises. What happens to the experience within the app, when its primary function – “seeing who you like” – can’t be fulfilled and instead the “finding out” is transferred to the actual dating? What then remains of the app experience itself? The answer is that apps became for girls a similar experience to online shopping. This is important to understand – the entire scene from a girl’s perspective, became the same as when she buys shoes. Since the emotional element depends in girls on vibes that pictures can’t transmit, swiping became devoid of that emotional element (whether sexual or romantic or both) that guys do have from imagery because of their sex-specific sensitivity to looks. By the sensory and cognitive activity becoming for a girl similar to online shopping, when she swipes she feels more or less as if she is shopping for guys, and this led to more dehumanization (girls are not aware that they do that).

So while a guy only dates a girl because he wants to see her (be it for love or for sex, he hopes it will work out with her, and that she will be who he imagined her to be – or he wouldn’t be there), and, while girls used to have that same attitude a few years ago, girls now date mechanically, like trying on shoes without knowing if they even want them (“trying on” is a very common leisure activity of girls and women, which they transferred to dating from shopping, because of the cognitive similarity for them). So girls treat human beings as a commodity, as “trying on”, without even suspecting how inhumane this is – that this “shoe” has feelings, expectations, humanity, while guys need to deal with this treatment without any possibility or legitimacy in the mainstream media of expressing their feelings from this in an acknowledged social discussion (as girls can do about their own dating experience) – feminism forcefully mutes them.

Because of this shopping attitude, girls have been demanding of guys to accept dating them while they are dating – that is, “trying on” – other men, and mainstream media has been legitimizing this (only for girls, of course, because feminism is equality). If you are a girl imagine a guy taking you on a first date and telling you that he sleeps with five other girls to try them on (like shoes) and currently he is only trying you on (like a shoe), and reprehending you or even publicly shaming you if you dare to object or leave. This is what thousands of guys have been through before you met them (if a guy does “accept you dating other guys” this means only one thing – he now recalculated his intentions and regards you as a free sex worker, he disqualified you as a romantic option and rationalizes to himself seeing you by telling himself that it’s just like seeing a prostitute, only for free, so why not. If he was starting to like you or fall in love with you, he won’t be able to make that transition into seeing you as a free prostitute, and will walk away immediately, extremely hurt. Any guy you meet might be that guy that another girl treated this way, this might explain to you some of his cautious or distanced behaviors. On that note, this state of affairs might be the explanation for a recent survey that showed that two thirds of girls but only one third of guys report being in a relationship – girls were taught to regard guys with such dehumanization, that they announce to the guy that they are sleeping with several others while “dating him” without even imagining that a guy would feel from such treatment exactly what a girl would, and as a result they still consider him “my boyfriend” and report in the survey of having “a relationship”, thinking he will see in them “his girlfriend” while in fact leaving him no other choice but seeing in them a free sex worker and hence he reports in the same survey having no girlfriend, and thus the conflict in this survey is explained).

Whenever you can, propose to girls and women this explanation about the problem of apps – that they do not allow women to sense men and for men to transmit their vibe, causing a chain of consequences, that then form the critical breakdown, in the process that begins with feminism banning flirting and ends with the end of the relations between the sexes in the West.

If women won’t vocally demand of feminism, to announce publicly, the lifting of its ban and blinded punishment on real-world flirting, in the only places where the sexes can meet in real life – work, college, bars and public places – as humanity had been doing for at least a century and with the language of tokens and signals humanity has been using for thousands of years – both sexes will continue to be trapped in apps, that cause all of the above, hurting guys and girls as well.

For a short while, guys did try to migrate into apps because of the feminist punishment on flirting, but the majority are now so hurt by the dehumanization described here that they do not wish to continue. Every few months new statistics on the exodus of guys and men from the dating world is published, with the latest data indicating that some 60% of single men are avoiding dating, while it is anticipated that by the end of the decade half of all women will be single (in most cases, for life). If you are a girl or a woman, choose your future: organize women and girls against the feminist ban on flirting in real-life, especially in the environments where most couples used to meet – college and work – or, accept that in all likelihood you will remain alone for life. The solution to every risk and pain in the relations between men and women was always a mutual discussion, as offered by lovism, and not an across-the-board prohibition through brutal punishment on all use of the language of sexuality.

The book Lovism makes the first steps towards this missing discussion, which will provide the empathy, codes and norms that will give every girl and women safety without the feminist ban on love. You can choose to join Lovism – there is no alternative to an open discussion. Share it, talk about it, start it – start the conversation between the sexes.

Images by Freepik